In Skip's Dream World, Every Player Is Michael Jordan

HOLY SHIT PLEASE SHUT UP!

I understand that you have set the bar for smugness so high that to maintain your foothold in sports-commentator debauchery, you have to continually up the ante so much that I wouldn't surprised if you died from choking on your own ego, but seriously, shut the hell up.

If, as many say, but not me because I am Skip Bayless and I base skill not on objective facts based in reality but on how close someone compares to Michael Jordan because I love Michael Jordan and want to have his babies and we would name them Michael Jordan because that is the best name ever and I am going to change my name to Michael Jordan because that would be the Michael Jordan thing to do Michael Jordan Michael Jordan Michael Jordan

But, you say, he didn't compare Nnamdi to Jordan -- he compared him to Deion. So, what the hell are you talking about? Well, that is true, but:

Holy hell. It took Skip two minutes to compare Deion to Jordan. Two! The guy is so predicatble to you could time your watch to his Jordan mentions. Oh, look at that, this is the 47th time Skip mentioned Jordan today. Must be 7:00AM.

I actually enjoy these tweets in a masochistic sort of way because it gives us greater insight to Skip's mind. You see, to Skip, Nnamdi going to the Jets is just like Lebron going to Heat. Nnamdi is "joining forces" with Revis just like Lebron joined forces with Wade. And eveyrone knows, SKIP HATES FORCE JOINING! Never mind the fact that two cornerbacks playing on a football team together have almost no impact compared to two starting basketball players playing together. No star athletes should ever want to play with each other. It makes Skip sick.

Yeah. He's not THAT much better than Cromartie. I mean, he's only better in almost every statistical way. But what does that matter? In Skip's Patented Jordan Comparison Rating (JCR) they're both worth 1.4 Jordans over their careers.*  AND EQUAL IN JORDANS IS EQUAL IN ALL SKILLS.

But hey, Skip, if that's true, why didn't you give Cromartie shit when he "joined forces" with Revis? It's not THAT much different than this. I know, I know. Why would anyone think that Skip's arguments would have any internal logic? Skip hates logic as much as he hates force joining. Did Jordan use logic when he won six championships!? NO FUCKING WAY HE DID!

So, in closing, Jordan would be the best cornerback ever, and we should retroactively award him five Superbowl rings and four MVPs. The end.

* In case you're wondering, Jordan has no JCR because no statistic can define Michael Jordan's abilities, toughness, tenacity, strength of will, killer instinct, or love letter writing ability.

That Time King Solomon Was a Texans Fan

The way I come up with material to post is by scouring the web for sports articles which I find to be of particularly poor quality. Most of the time, I actually have to read the article to do this, but, every so often, you can just tell that what you're about to read will be a steaming pile of verbosity (SAT-Word Burn!) just by the title of the blog. Like this, for example:

I understand the wordplay here, but you have to be some kind of asshole to name your blog after King Solomon, right? At least you're staying humble, though...

Oh, wise King Solomon what wisdom do you have for your feeble-minded readers today? Though we be not worthy of your words, please, grace us with your infinite knowledge so that we may understand but one word of your intellect. What do you have to say?

Relax, Texans will get their man at cornerback

Ah, yes. Football. One of King Solomon's favorite topics of discussion.

We just don’t know who that man will be.

My God! Even you don't know? Then who does? Who can? A puzzle to allude the greatest of intellects? Astonishing!

Look, they are going all-out to get Nnamdi Asomugha, which is what any smart team in their position would do.

Mistake one: Assuming the Texans are smart. This the team that drafted David Carr!

You can’t have a position of desperate need and ignore the best player on the board at that position.

Counterpoint: The Redskins.

The Texans are legitimate players in this one. Today might be decision day.

Could be. May be. Who knows? This guy must be reading from the Peter King Playbook.

And relax with the panic, fans. Players can’t sign until Friday evening, and they can’t suit up at practice until next Thursday. Let it play out, see what happens, then react. 

What wise words! Finally, the King Solomon I've been waiting for! The King is right -- everyone just relax. Don't get all up in arms about it something that hasn't even happened yet. Sit down and enjoy a book. Leave the pointless ponrification to me, King Solomon, the greatest genius that ever lived.

If your credit isn’t good enough to buy that Ferarri, you can’t go down the street and pick up a Mustang on the way home. And anything would be better than that beat-up Pinto you drove around last season.

And now I've lost you. Why couldn't you just pick up the Mustang, a much cheaper car than a Ferrari? ... Your wisdom is too much for me! I'm blind compared to your vision!

Don’t be like the jokers who all offseason said the Texans have no chance of landing a top cornerback.

You heathen jokers! How dare you joke in front of the King! I'll kill you!

If the Texans didn’t make a good faith attempt to sign Asomugha, they would be doing a disservice to their fans. If you accept that (and based on ticket sales since the franchise began, apparently many of you do), then fine.

Good. Great. Fine. Give up on your team, you jerks. You didn't deserve to be fans of the great franchise that is the Houston Texans anyway. 

You know I’m as honest about these things as anyone in town. 

Didn't realize King Solomon was a used-car salesman, but all right.

It would be shocking if the Texans don’t get one of the top three corners. They should get one of the top two, but I’m not going to put that heat on them, or slam them for not getting it done, until they actually don’t get it done.

Consider this a patented King Solomon pre-slam warning.

As for [Nate Clements], I’m not a huge fan.

That said, he would be an upgrade on what the Texans had before, but in a way, so would Chris Bosh. With the NBA lockout, can’t believe Rick Smith hasn’t sent a caravan of Texans fans to Bosh’s house to see if the 6-9 forward wanted to moonlight as a 6-9 shutdown corner. 

There you go, Nate Clements. You would be about as much as an upgrade to the Texan's secondary as Chris Bosh. That's got to be the biggest insult given to a cornerback in history.

The King has spoken.