Skip Tweets: Quick Hitters

I love that Skip respects Eli for having an opinion that is completely and utterly wrong. It's fitting.

 

Yeah. And I'm sure the fact that he was playing in a PRO-AM SUMMER LEAGUE had nothing to do with it. How could that have any effect on how Kobe played? I sure can't think of anything.

It's the Hall of Superstars, people, not the Hall of Fame. Get it right! If any old piece of shit baseball player with 600 home runs can just waltz right into the Hall of Fame, then practically everyone can get into the Hall of Fame. 

You know what? Let's just run every single Hall of Fame candidate by Skip Bayless and let him decide who should be in. We'll call it the Hall of Skip Bayless. Then, on the grand opening of the Hall, we'll lock Skip Bayless inside with every person who actually cares enough about what Skip Bayless thinks to actually go there and never have to hear from them again. The economy will improve and the world will become a better place too. Wouldn't that be grand?

I hate you.

Skip Rates His Greatest Athlete Ever

Skip has decreed it, so it is law: Deion Sanders is the greatest athlete ever. It doesn't matter who you throw at him. (Although Skip, with you bad knee, you shouldn't throw anybody.) Bo? Fuck him. Winfeild? Sucks. Wilt? Garbage. Decathletes? They've never done an athletic thing in their life. I mean, honestly, how could anybody deny this? Just look at Skip's methodology:

Hmmm. All right. This actually seems pretty good. I'm not sure if everyone would agree that greatest athlete = most all around talent, but I am willing to accept that as a valid position. So, I would think that Skip will now go through this list of talents and show where Deion ranks on them. Assumably, Deion will rate highly on all of them and we all agree that he is the greatest athlete ever and everything will be just peachy. And would you look at that - most of these are tangible qualities which can actually be measured with numbers. I'm glad Skip will look at these numbers when deciding on his greatest athlete ever. That is the smart and well-reasoned thing to do.

Oh wait. I forgot. There is no way that Skip would ever look at actual numbers when doing an exercise like this. He'd rather base his opinions in unquantifiables like "the biggest stages." So the greatest athlete isn't just the "most all-around talents" anymore? Now it's the most all-around talents on the biggest stages, which are, obviously, the Super Bowl and the World Series? Because if anyone were going to be the greatest athlete ever, they would have to play in these sporting events. Screw the Olympics. The Olympics tell you nothing about athletes.

Skip though, to his credit, does provide some actual numbers here. Deion was a .348 postseason hitter. That's got to mean something, right. If you are going to be considered the great athlete ever, you probably should be able to swing an elongated, wooden club to hit a small, leather ball well in the baseball playoffs. Does it matter that Deion only had 23 at-bats in his post-season career? Does it matter that outside of the 1992 World Series, his post-season stats are 0 for 8 with 4 strikeouts? Actually, to Skip, that's probably a good thing. He didn't waste any hits on those meaningless NLCS games. He saved 'em up for the big one. He played well on the biggest stage, damn it! He didn't waste it on that pussy NLCS-shit!

And while we're on the subject of baseball, we should probably bring up another baseball/football player that Skip mentions: Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson has a career WAR of  7.8 compared to Deion's 3.8. Bo Jackson played in 53 more baseball games than Deion despite playing one fewer season. Bo Jackson has a career OPS+ of 112 compared to Deion's 89. Obviously these statistics don't tell the whole story and there are others which would make Deion look better, but it's clear that Bo was a very good baseball player and was arguably better than Deion. But, Bo never played in the World Series, so, who the fuck cares what else he did? Besides:

FLORIDA!? Holy shit! That's serious. What's that? HE COULD 360 DUNK!? WHAT!? That's insane! I am so sorry for ever doubting you, Skip. You are so right. Bo didn't even know basketball. Never met it. If you showed a basketball to Bo he'd punch you right in the face. He called them "demon oranges." True story.

They both played football, though. Let's talk about that. I mean, how difficult could it be to compare a corner back to a running back?

 

This is just all bullshit. I know that this is twitter, but still, this is horrible. Could a comparison be any worse than this?

...

So lets get this straight. Deion is the best athlete because:

1. He has the most all-around talents (No evidence provided)
2. He did it on the "biggest stages" (Ignores evidence that Bo was a better baseball player)
3. He could do a 360 dunk, while Bo didn't even know basketball (I think the stupidness explains itself)
4. Bo wasn't as shifty or fast as Deion (No evidence provided)
5. Even though Bo was stronger than Deion, Michael Irvin says Deion was pretty strong too, so those pretty much cancel each other out.

There you have it folks. Deion Sanders is the best athlete ever.

Skip Takes a Leap of Faith

If I am reading this correctly, according to Skip, Revis will either (1) never be better than Deion or (2) ever be better Deion. Pretty much the only two choices possible. (Well, how else am I supposed to read "never/ever"? As "never ever"? But that would mean that Skip doesn't know how to use the forward slash ("/") and there's no way that's possible, is there? That would be so unjordanesque of him.)

Woah. Don't go too crazy their, Skip. We don't want you getting fired for making a controversial statement like this (we do). Why don't you kick it back a couple notches and maybe take a vacation. It would do you (and the entirety of the universe) some good.

(And yes, I understand that criticizing someone for their grammar on Twitter is slightly unfair, but it's Skip Bayless we're talking about here. He doesn't accept leeway.)

Skip Lacks Self-Awareness 2

Skip calling someone else condescending?  I hope you don't live in a glass house, Skip, because you sure are throwing a lot of stones and we all know the saying about that! Whatever it means! And even if you don't live in a glass house (which you probably don't because who lives in a glass house anyway? Freaks! That's who! And you're not a freak are you, Skip? Wait, don't answer that.), stone throwing can be quite dangerous. So, I wouldn't recommend stone throwing no matter what kind of house you live in. That's just my feelings on the subject, though, and I am no expert by any means. Anywho, what were we talking about again?

Skip Lacks Self-Awareness

My God. If you put 1000 monkeys in a room with a 1000 typewriters and 1000 TVs running 1st & 10 on a constant loop, they couldn't pen a greater metaphor to describe Skip Bayless than this one right here.

Yes, they most likely wouldn't come up with any metaphors considering their inability to write, the seething Skip-fueled-monkey-rage they would be whipped into having to watch him on a constant loop, and clearly the logistics of putting 1000 monkeys in room with 1000 typewriters and 1000 TVs are completely untenable (What will they eat? Where will they shit? Will they just eat their shit? Did we just solve the biggest stumbling block to this experiment!?), but that's besides the point. THIS TWEET IS SKIP BAYLESS!

He is the kid running wild in the restaurant and talking in the movies that nobody likes but never seems to shut up. It's as if his brain wouldn't let him have this stunning moment of total clarity so it made him think that he was complaining about someone else when really the the object of his anger was him the whole time. It's just as I've suspected all along: Skip Bayless is a cheesy father-son relationship movie. It all makes sense now.

Also, kids who were clearly pissing off Skip Bayless to the point of ALL-CAPS TWEET, the nation owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you.

Skip Bayless Update: Yup, Still Hates LeBron

Skip had this to tweet today:

First of all, Reggie Bush has been on the Dolphins for all of one day. I know it's not in you operating manual, but cut the guy some slack.

Second, I don't know if LeBron is the best basketball player in the world, but it's definitely not certain that he isn't. Anyway, do you think that Skip provides any sort of argument based on statistics other than number of championships to bolster his claim?

Of course not.