Thursday, August 18, 2011

Skip Tweets: Quick Hitters

I love that Skip respects Eli for having an opinion that is completely and utterly wrong. It's fitting.


Yeah. And I'm sure the fact that he was playing in a PRO-AM SUMMER LEAGUE had nothing to do with it. How could that have any effect on how Kobe played? I sure can't think of anything.

It's the Hall of Superstars, people, not the Hall of Fame. Get it right! If any old piece of shit baseball player with 600 home runs can just waltz right into the Hall of Fame, then practically everyone can get into the Hall of Fame. 

You know what? Let's just run every single Hall of Fame candidate by Skip Bayless and let him decide who should be in. We'll call it the Hall of Skip Bayless. Then, on the grand opening of the Hall, we'll lock Skip Bayless inside with every person who actually cares enough about what Skip Bayless thinks to actually go there and never have to hear from them again. The economy will improve and the world will become a better place too. Wouldn't that be grand?

I hate you.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Skip Rates His Greatest Athlete Ever

Skip has decreed it, so it is law: Deion Sanders is the greatest athlete ever. It doesn't matter who you throw at him. (Although Skip, with you bad knee, you shouldn't throw anybody.) Bo? Fuck him. Winfeild? Sucks. Wilt? Garbage. Decathletes? They've never done an athletic thing in their life. I mean, honestly, how could anybody deny this? Just look at Skip's methodology:

Hmmm. All right. This actually seems pretty good. I'm not sure if everyone would agree that greatest athlete = most all around talent, but I am willing to accept that as a valid position. So, I would think that Skip will now go through this list of talents and show where Deion ranks on them. Assumably, Deion will rate highly on all of them and we all agree that he is the greatest athlete ever and everything will be just peachy. And would you look at that - most of these are tangible qualities which can actually be measured with numbers. I'm glad Skip will look at these numbers when deciding on his greatest athlete ever. That is the smart and well-reasoned thing to do.

Oh wait. I forgot. There is no way that Skip would ever look at actual numbers when doing an exercise like this. He'd rather base his opinions in unquantifiables like "the biggest stages." So the greatest athlete isn't just the "most all-around talents" anymore? Now it's the most all-around talents on the biggest stages, which are, obviously, the Super Bowl and the World Series? Because if anyone were going to be the greatest athlete ever, they would have to play in these sporting events. Screw the Olympics. The Olympics tell you nothing about athletes.

Skip though, to his credit, does provide some actual numbers here. Deion was a .348 postseason hitter. That's got to mean something, right. If you are going to be considered the great athlete ever, you probably should be able to swing an elongated, wooden club to hit a small, leather ball well in the baseball playoffs. Does it matter that Deion only had 23 at-bats in his post-season career? Does it matter that outside of the 1992 World Series, his post-season stats are 0 for 8 with 4 strikeouts? Actually, to Skip, that's probably a good thing. He didn't waste any hits on those meaningless NLCS games. He saved 'em up for the big one. He played well on the biggest stage, damn it! He didn't waste it on that pussy NLCS-shit!

And while we're on the subject of baseball, we should probably bring up another baseball/football player that Skip mentions: Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson has a career WAR of  7.8 compared to Deion's 3.8. Bo Jackson played in 53 more baseball games than Deion despite playing one fewer season. Bo Jackson has a career OPS+ of 112 compared to Deion's 89. Obviously these statistics don't tell the whole story and there are others which would make Deion look better, but it's clear that Bo was a very good baseball player and was arguably better than Deion. But, Bo never played in the World Series, so, who the fuck cares what else he did? Besides:

FLORIDA!? Holy shit! That's serious. What's that? HE COULD 360 DUNK!? WHAT!? That's insane! I am so sorry for ever doubting you, Skip. You are so right. Bo didn't even know basketball. Never met it. If you showed a basketball to Bo he'd punch you right in the face. He called them "demon oranges." True story.

They both played football, though. Let's talk about that. I mean, how difficult could it be to compare a corner back to a running back?


This is just all bullshit. I know that this is twitter, but still, this is horrible. Could a comparison be any worse than this?


So lets get this straight. Deion is the best athlete because:

1. He has the most all-around talents (No evidence provided)
2. He did it on the "biggest stages" (Ignores evidence that Bo was a better baseball player)
3. He could do a 360 dunk, while Bo didn't even know basketball (I think the stupidness explains itself)
4. Bo wasn't as shifty or fast as Deion (No evidence provided)
5. Even though Bo was stronger than Deion, Michael Irvin says Deion was pretty strong too, so those pretty much cancel each other out.

There you have it folks. Deion Sanders is the best athlete ever.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Skip Bayless Sucks Column Comparison Ratings: LZ Granderson

In the brief life of this blog, I have done many posts criticizing columnist for poor articles using the patented FJM style. I haven't really enjoyed doing that though because this is not FJM and I can't do it as well as they did. Also, none of those posts had anything to do with Skip Bayless so it made absolutely no sense that they would be written here. On the other hand, these are terrible articles which deserved to be criticized. How do I balance these factors!?

So I have come up with this solution: I will rate columns in terms of their skipbaylessness. This way, I am criticizing columns and tying in Skip Bayless. Win-win! Essentially I will be going through each column with the question in mind: How Skip Bayless is this? Then I will rate various parts of the column on a 5-point scale. Sound good? OK. 

Title: Is this about LeBron or Tim Tebow?
Author: LZ Gradnerson
Date: August 5, 2011

Summary: In this column, LZ Granderson investigates the intentions of LeBron James' tweets involving Tim Tebow from earlier last week.

Title: Is This About LeBron or Tim Tebow?
1 Skip out of 5
Really? A question? This may be the least Skip Bayless thing you could possible do. Have an assertive opinion! Take a stance! No matter how misguided, incorrect, or unsupported by reality it may be, bold opinions are the goal standard of skipbaylicity. The only reason this got even one Skip is because the title mentions LeBron and, as we all know, Skip loves talking about LeBron.

Opening Sentence:
"I won't pretend to know exactly what's going on in LeBron James' head"
0 Skips out of 5
No! No! No! What the hell are you doing!? You have to pretend what's going on in LeBron's head. Are you insane? It's what you're paid to do. Why am I reading this article if I don't what to know your thoughts on LeBron's intentions and beliefs? Yes, you aren't a psychologist. Yes, you have no formal training in analyzing human behavior. Yes, your thoughts here will be almost completely without basis. But that's why I'm reading this! This is what the people pay to see!

Skip would never/ever say anything like this. If ESPN wanted him to, he'd pretend to know what's going on inside LeBron's head 24 hours a day. He'd create a channel for it if he had to. Actually, scratch that. Skip wouldn't pretend to know what was going in inside LeBron's head. He would just flat-out know. He would tell us exactly what was going on inside LeBron's head. Exactly. If we hooked up some machine that gave us a readout of all of LeBron's thoughts with 100% accuracy and that readout conflicted with Skip, that would - that would - that would - never fucking happen because that machine is Skip Bayless, God damn it!

Hypocrisy: 4 Skips of 5

Nothing screams Skip Bayless like saying one and doing another, and LZ doesn't disappoint. Just look at these sentences:

I couldn't help but see a young man still hurting from what was undoubtedly the most difficult year of his career.

I couldn't help but wonder how much of his expression was about Tebow and how much was really about him.

It's these kinds of questions that likely prompted LeBron to get Tebow's back via Twitter.

Just when I thought you be any less Skip-like, you go and do something like this, and totally redeem yourself! This is what I am talking about! Who cares that you said you wouldn't pretend to know what's going in LeBron's head. Pretend away! Sure, throw in some qualifiers to make it seem is if you're not really making any assumptions about LeBron. They won't get you the 5/5 rating, but we can't all be perfect Skips. I understand that you still have some reservations about going into a full-on Skip-Bayless-bullshit-marathon. This is a good start though. I mean, the way the entire column contradicts the opening sentence. Great. Really Great.

Overall Article Rating: 1 Skip out of 5

This column is very un-Skiplike. While it takes a positive view of Tebow, a very Skip Bayless opinion, it also takes a semi-positive view of LeBron, not a very Skip Bayless opinion. It does have a good amount of internal hypocrisy, but that gets balanced out with all of the wishy-washiness. And if there is anything Skip doesn't do, it's wishy-washniess. Therefore, I award this article 1 Skip out of 5. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. (Note: Definitely a bad thing.)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Skip Takes a Leap of Faith

If I am reading this correctly, according to Skip, Revis will either (1) never be better than Deion or (2) ever be better Deion. Pretty much the only two choices possible. (Well, how else am I supposed to read "never/ever"? As "never ever"? But that would mean that Skip doesn't know how to use the forward slash ("/") and there's no way that's possible, is there? That would be so unjordanesque of him.)

Woah. Don't go too crazy their, Skip. We don't want you getting fired for making a controversial statement like this (we do). Why don't you kick it back a couple notches and maybe take a vacation. It would do you (and the entirety of the universe) some good.

(And yes, I understand that criticizing someone for their grammar on Twitter is slightly unfair, but it's Skip Bayless we're talking about here. He doesn't accept leeway.)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Skip Lacks Self-Awareness 2

Skip calling someone else condescending?  I hope you don't live in a glass house, Skip, because you sure are throwing a lot of stones and we all know the saying about that! Whatever it means! And even if you don't live in a glass house (which you probably don't because who lives in a glass house anyway? Freaks! That's who! And you're not a freak are you, Skip? Wait, don't answer that.), stone throwing can be quite dangerous. So, I wouldn't recommend stone throwing no matter what kind of house you live in. That's just my feelings on the subject, though, and I am no expert by any means. Anywho, what were we talking about again?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Skip Lacks Self-Awareness

My God. If you put 1000 monkeys in a room with a 1000 typewriters and 1000 TVs running 1st & 10 on a constant loop, they couldn't pen a greater metaphor to describe Skip Bayless than this one right here.

Yes, they most likely wouldn't come up with any metaphors considering their inability to write, the seething Skip-fueled-monkey-rage they would be whipped into having to watch him on a constant loop, and clearly the logistics of putting 1000 monkeys in room with 1000 typewriters and 1000 TVs are completely untenable (What will they eat? Where will they shit? Will they just eat their shit? Did we just solve the biggest stumbling block to this experiment!?), but that's besides the point. THIS TWEET IS SKIP BAYLESS!

He is the kid running wild in the restaurant and talking in the movies that nobody likes but never seems to shut up. It's as if his brain wouldn't let him have this stunning moment of total clarity so it made him think that he was complaining about someone else when really the the object of his anger was him the whole time. It's just as I've suspected all along: Skip Bayless is a cheesy father-son relationship movie. It all makes sense now.

Also, kids who were clearly pissing off Skip Bayless to the point of ALL-CAPS TWEET, the nation owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you.

Friday, July 29, 2011

In Skip's Dream World, Every Player Is Michael Jordan


I understand that you have set the bar for smugness so high that to maintain your foothold in sports-commentator debauchery, you have to continually up the ante so much that I wouldn't surprised if you died from choking on your own ego, but seriously, shut the hell up.

If, as many say, but not me because I am Skip Bayless and I base skill not on objective facts based in reality but on how close someone compares to Michael Jordan because I love Michael Jordan and want to have his babies and we would name them Michael Jordan because that is the best name ever and I am going to change my name to Michael Jordan because that would be the Michael Jordan thing to do Michael Jordan Michael Jordan Michael Jordan

But, you say, he didn't compare Nnamdi to Jordan -- he compared him to Deion. So, what the hell are you talking about? Well, that is true, but:

Holy hell. It took Skip two minutes to compare Deion to Jordan. Two! The guy is so predicatble to you could time your watch to his Jordan mentions. Oh, look at that, this is the 47th time Skip mentioned Jordan today. Must be 7:00AM.

I actually enjoy these tweets in a masochistic sort of way because it gives us greater insight to Skip's mind. You see, to Skip, Nnamdi going to the Jets is just like Lebron going to Heat. Nnamdi is "joining forces" with Revis just like Lebron joined forces with Wade. And eveyrone knows, SKIP HATES FORCE JOINING! Never mind the fact that two cornerbacks playing on a football team together have almost no impact compared to two starting basketball players playing together. No star athletes should ever want to play with each other. It makes Skip sick.

Yeah. He's not THAT much better than Cromartie. I mean, he's only better in almost every statistical way. But what does that matter? In Skip's Patented Jordan Comparison Rating (JCR) they're both worth 1.4 Jordans over their careers.*  AND EQUAL IN JORDANS IS EQUAL IN ALL SKILLS.

But hey, Skip, if that's true, why didn't you give Cromartie shit when he "joined forces" with Revis? It's not THAT much different than this. I know, I know. Why would anyone think that Skip's arguments would have any internal logic? Skip hates logic as much as he hates force joining. Did Jordan use logic when he won six championships!? NO FUCKING WAY HE DID!

So, in closing, Jordan would be the best cornerback ever, and we should retroactively award him five Superbowl rings and four MVPs. The end.

* In case you're wondering, Jordan has no JCR because no statistic can define Michael Jordan's abilities, toughness, tenacity, strength of will, killer instinct, or love letter writing ability.