So I have come up with this solution: I will rate columns in terms of their skipbaylessness. This way, I am criticizing columns and tying in Skip Bayless. Win-win! Essentially I will be going through each column with the question in mind: How Skip Bayless is this? Then I will rate various parts of the column on a 5-point scale. Sound good? OK.
Title: Is this about LeBron or Tim Tebow?
Author: LZ Gradnerson
Date: August 5, 2011
Summary: In this column, LZ Granderson investigates the intentions of LeBron James' tweets involving Tim Tebow from earlier last week.
Title: Is This About LeBron or Tim Tebow?
1 Skip out of 5
Really? A question? This may be the least Skip Bayless thing you could possible do. Have an assertive opinion! Take a stance! No matter how misguided, incorrect, or unsupported by reality it may be, bold opinions are the goal standard of skipbaylicity. The only reason this got even one Skip is because the title mentions LeBron and, as we all know, Skip loves talking about LeBron.
Opening Sentence:
"I won't pretend to know exactly what's going on in LeBron James' head"
0 Skips out of 5
No! No! No! What the hell are you doing!? You have to pretend what's going on in LeBron's head. Are you insane? It's what you're paid to do. Why am I reading this article if I don't what to know your thoughts on LeBron's intentions and beliefs? Yes, you aren't a psychologist. Yes, you have no formal training in analyzing human behavior. Yes, your thoughts here will be almost completely without basis. But that's why I'm reading this! This is what the people pay to see!
Skip would never/ever say anything like this. If ESPN wanted him to, he'd pretend to know what's going on inside LeBron's head 24 hours a day. He'd create a channel for it if he had to. Actually, scratch that. Skip wouldn't pretend to know what was going in inside LeBron's head. He would just flat-out know. He would tell us exactly what was going on inside LeBron's head. Exactly. If we hooked up some machine that gave us a readout of all of LeBron's thoughts with 100% accuracy and that readout conflicted with Skip, that would - that would - that would - never fucking happen because that machine is Skip Bayless, God damn it!
Hypocrisy: 4 Skips of 5
Nothing screams Skip Bayless like saying one and doing another, and LZ doesn't disappoint. Just look at these sentences:
I couldn't help but see a young man still hurting from what was undoubtedly the most difficult year of his career.
I couldn't help but wonder how much of his expression was about Tebow and how much was really about him.
It's these kinds of questions that likely prompted LeBron to get Tebow's back via Twitter.
Just when I thought you be any less Skip-like, you go and do something like this, and totally redeem yourself! This is what I am talking about! Who cares that you said you wouldn't pretend to know what's going in LeBron's head. Pretend away! Sure, throw in some qualifiers to make it seem is if you're not really making any assumptions about LeBron. They won't get you the 5/5 rating, but we can't all be perfect Skips. I understand that you still have some reservations about going into a full-on Skip-Bayless-bullshit-marathon. This is a good start though. I mean, the way the entire column contradicts the opening sentence. Great. Really Great.
Overall Article Rating: 1 Skip out of 5
This column is very un-Skiplike. While it takes a positive view of Tebow, a very Skip Bayless opinion, it also takes a semi-positive view of LeBron, not a very Skip Bayless opinion. It does have a good amount of internal hypocrisy, but that gets balanced out with all of the wishy-washiness. And if there is anything Skip doesn't do, it's wishy-washniess. Therefore, I award this article 1 Skip out of 5. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. (Note: Definitely a bad thing.)
